It’s that time of the year again: travel season. Winter breaks, vacations, and family visits all provide a bevy of images for everyone to relate to, but for carefree air travelers it most certainly assures long lines at the airport just so you can get barefoot and fondled by those frisky TSA agents.
After 9-11, the government crack down in the guise of National Security required that citizens get in the habit of wearing the equivalent of bedroom slippers to the airport or risk the grumbling of fellow passengers while shoes were unsnapped, unbuckled, unlaced, etc. before being put into special containers to be irradiated, after which time the offending footwear would have to be re-snapped, re-buckled, or re-laced into place. If you held up the line at any part of this herding operation, you risked public humiliation in the form of wand-jobs by sweaty TSA agents along with growls and scowls from harried travelers. Adding insult to injury, no one ever tells you that they love you after they wand you.
Around the time we grew accustomed to either being, or seeing fellow passengers, pulled from line for “random” wand-jobs, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) upped the ante by controlling carry-on items so that we were once again assured of even higher standards of safety. We grumbled, but complied because no one wants to get red-flagged by TSA. Word is that once you are on *the list* you stay on *the list* for keeps. Over the years we have willfully, and often gratefully, participated in a variety of ludicrous alerts and advisories in the name of safe travel. Only commie pinkos, hippies, and unpatriotic citizens had the audacity to complain, right?
Now we are nearly a decade post-trauma, and just like a rocky marriage, the DHS wants to bring some magic back into the bedroom by incorporating a sexy new chapter into the equation. I call it Hegemony In Vacationland (HIV) which roughly translates to “We are controlling you in subtle ways so that you think you are acting on your initiative (especially) when you think that you are going on a vacation.” Sucka.
The implications of HIV now include potential radiation exposure, TSA agents fondling your pink junque if you refuse the radiation, and for the coup de grâce, x-ray pictures for their viewing pleasure.
Don’t get me wrong, I am all for getting patted down in all the right places for all the wrong reasons (or is that all the wrong places for all the right reasons? I always get those two confused.) Either way – things are getting mighty intense and I, for one, am grateful to partake in holiday travel adventures on the Alaska ferry. Even if the bar is closed, a girl can always go to the sun deck and rustle up an amateur TSA wanna-be that wants to play airport. I call it the “Miles Out Club.”
WSW Bonus: Here’s a little holiday gift idea for the person that missed the boat on flying: The Miss TSA Pin-Up Calendar!
*Thanks to commondreams.com for the Sister Frisking
*Shout out to these peeps for Miss TSA pic
*Kudos for Gaga shoe pic