Defining a REAL Alaska Beauty Queen

Prior to this election season, with rare exception, I have never been all that interested in beauty queens – the digression being the Miss America scandal of 1984, wherein dang near anybody alive in America would have had to be comatose to have missed.  Yet, here we are again, nearly one-quarter of a century later, and the beauty queen sizzle and buzz is back; this time, however, the contextual core being more political then sexual.  I am referring affectionally to the campaign that is widely known as Election ’08 in the Lower 48, and as the Palin Debacle throughout much of Alaska.  Please recall, however, that the WSW opts out of the overt political opinion arena, preferring the less subtle, though pleasantly satisfying passive-aggressive tactics, such as clever innuendo and seemingly astute observations.

That said, I am somewhat concerned about a recent statement made by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez   with reference to Alaska’s current Gov/V.P. wannabe/former beauty queen, Sarah Palin, wherein he refers to her as “a beauty queen that they’ve put in the role of a figurine.” Granted, the Gov drew first blood when she referred to Chavez as a yellow-bellied “dictator,” however, his response to Palin’s sarcastic, albeit simplistic, remarks was just plain hurtful to all beauty queens, both here in Alaska and on The Outside.

I am particularly put out by this interchange because, like so many other Alaskan women, I like to think of myself as one of a dying breed of women: the “ABQ” – or Alaska Beauty Queen.

Not so long ago, the ratio of men to women in much of rural Alaska was something like 10:1 – a highly speculative number derived entirely by non-scientific and essentially arbitrary methods that included, but were not limited to: scanning the bar at last call and counting how many men and women remained (yup, ten to one); throwing two darts at a board, one representing men and the other women, and then using those numbers (I hit a 10 and a 1 consecutively); and finally, the ever-popular guessing (Do you reckon it’s something like ten to one?).  In light of this randomly compiled data, in conjunction with the lengthy darkness of Alaskan winters and most watering holes, there came about a definition of what a true ABQ was, and in some places, still is.

Unlike contemporary beauty queens whose qualifications generally incorporate physical beauty, personality, demonstrable talent, and above-average intellectual abilities, the typical ABQ has locale-specific requirements to meet that include the following qualifications:

Teeth.
Tits.
Proximity.

It is necessary to elaborate on the specifics individually and collectively because when taken out of context these details seem rather shallow, and frankly, this puddle runs deep.  It’s no secret that ABQ’s are significantly important to the environment, the economy, and world peace in general.  To elaborate:  

Teeth:  The fact is that good chompers are indicative of overall health which is quite important when health care is frequently inaccessible and obscenely costly in rural Alaska.  That, and the reality that many of these men typify the cliche that “the odds are good, but the goods are odd.”  In other words, men are looking for someone with the ability to pre-chew their food as well as to soften animal hides during our notoriously long winter nights.

Tits:  An attribute generally not found of the male of the species, bosoms (also known as boobs, knockers, bazooms, hooters, tatas, or breasts) are first and foremost utilized as ear-warmers in the Great North Country.  Additionally, as Americans have recently been informed via the Palin Debacle, Alaskans love to hunt.  Nothing says MANLY MAN like packing around a trophy bitch with a great rack does – though it should be noted that size is rarely an issue.

Proximity:  Three words for ya (and they are NOT “Drill, baby, drill”): Location, location, location. It’s Alaska.  Smokin’ hot, available chickee-babes are at a premium.  If you are a woman and you are here, even if you are lacking one or both of the aforementioned qualifications, you have all the potential to be an officially rockin’ ABQ!

To recap, let’s do the math:  Teeth + Tits + Proximity = ABQ

(and the first two are technically optional)

Let’s try to restore the good image of Alaskan women in the eyes of the world by voting responsibly on November 4th – and by all means, Don’t forget to floss!

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Defining a REAL Alaska Beauty Queen

  1. denise

    When i moved to Alaska i was told this lovely little gem of advice:

    “Remember ladies, when you go back Outside you’re ugly again.”

    Bar humor…ya gotta luv it.

    love your blog
    denise on the Rock

  2. steveinohio

    This is all pretty wild stuff. I never read a blog before and I’m not much of a writer. I will say it’s good to read your voice and it really dosen’t surprise me that you are doing this, you always did have plenty to say. Keep it up and I’ll stay tuned and who knows maybe I’ll even come up with something witty to say. Patty sends her love.

  3. There are persistent rumors of a sign going up on the road out of the airport reading, “Welcome to Kodiak, ladies; You’re now a 10.”

  4. This is hillarious.
    25 years ago I passed up an offer to follow a genuine mountain women to Alaska and your writing makes me wonder what adventures I missed by turning her down.

  5. Yup, I remember that sounding about right. Spot on, in fact.

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