Bring Back Lupercalia!

A holiday celebrating the commercialism of Love? Meh.  Color me cynical.  I do not heart this Hallmark holiday.  Capone was right It gives me hives.  You know what else?  I am not alone.  According to Allison Linn, Senior writer at,

“Valentine’s Day is still about chocolates, hearts, teddy bears and romantic sentiments. But a growing number of the recently or steadfastly single are getting in on the holiday as well, spawning anti-Valentine’s Day cards, T-shirts and parties.”

Chickee, you had me at spawning: Now you are speaking my language.

Linn further states that: “…the majority of the anti-Valentine’s Day items […] fall into two categories: they are either anti-love or just against the consumerism associated with the day. (Never mind that people are taking part by buying something anyway.)”

love_is_a_many-splendored_thing1While I am not sure exactly which anti-Valentine phlanx I am most allied to, let it be known that the WSW is not jaded.  Despite the fact that l-o-v-e is a 4-letter word, I still believe it is a many-splendored thing! Also, I am not anti-consumerism, seeing as supporting the economy is not only splendored, it is downright patriotic.  Furthermore, I am not entirely certain what a “splendored thing” is, but if it it is one of those subtle side-effects from the night before that invokes itching, burning or a restraining order, who wants that anyways?

Feeling compelled to validate my position on this matter, I began to investigate the origins of this seasonal disorder. According to John Roach at National Geographic:

“Not surprisingly, Valentine’s Day, like Halloween, is rooted in pagan partying. The lovers’ holiday traces its roots to raucous annual Roman festivals where men stripped naked, grabbed goat- or dog-skin whips, and spanked young maidens in hopes of increasing their fertility, said classics professor Noel Lenski of the University of Colorado at Boulder. “While it’s not known whether the legend is true, Lenski said, “it may be a convenient explanation for a Christian version of what happened at Lupercalia.”

The annual pagan celebration, called Lupercalia, was held every year on February 15 and Love. Meh. remained wildly popular well into the fifth century A.D.—at least 150 years after Constantine made Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire.  “It is clearly a very popular thing, even in an environment where the Christians are trying to close it down,” Lenski said. “So there’s reason to think that the Christians might instead have said, OK, we’ll just call this a Christian festival.”  The church pegged the festival to the legend of St. Valentine.  According to the story, in the third century A.D. Roman Emperor Claudius II, seeking to bolster his army, forbade young men to marry. Valentine, it is said, flouted the ban, performing marriages in secret.  For his defiance, Valentine was executed in A.D. 270—on February 14, the story goes.

Aha!  I knew it.  Valentines’ Day IS Halloween!  Same shit, different costumes, candy, blah blah blah.  Nonetheless, studmuffin, you had me at men stripped naked.  The rest of the gobbledygook is the same ole, same ole party-crashing old white man rhetoric justifying the termination of a perfectly good celebration of The “L” word.   Now we are reduced to cards, candy, and painful eleventh-hour decisions at last call that may very well involve the word fugly.

Babes love big batteries

Bring back Lupercalia!!!!  Until then, I will be wearing black this Valentine’s Day, and I encourage people wishing to disengage from this high-pressure holiday to be left to their own devices. Regardless of whether they require batteries or not.

WSW Bonus:  Check out this deliciously cynical site for extra anti-Valentine’s Day goodness!

Love Poops

Love is in the air? Crap! Hang on while I put on my trusty gas mask. And a ball-cap.

*thanks to cafepress for the shot cupid, batteries, and f*ck V.D. pics



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7 responses to “Bring Back Lupercalia!

  1. As the Recently Self-Appointed President, CEO and Ruling Czarina Supreme of the Well Seasoned Woman, Lower 48 Region, I must note that I am also a card-carrying member of PETA even though I do not now and never have liked cats. Having mulled over your treatise on Sea Kittens or Whatever Their Real Name Is I would like to say that I could totally eat a whole bowl o’ these creatures without qualms. Especially if they were fried in that beer batter tempura stuff they use at Applebee’s. Rather like an institutionalized version of myself, PETA does a lot of good work but does tend to careen way off the reservation with only a handful of quasi-delusional not-really facts for a map.
    And another thing: Last night our septic system broke. And the basement flooded. And we were rendered utterly powerless. After 20 solid minutes of screaming and swearing and trying to save hundreds of books stored down there, we suddenly realized that uh-oh – water and electricity = potentially deadly, and maybe we shouldn’t be sloshing around in this mess. So after calling the fire department, Service Master and our dad in Naperville, we stood on the top of the basement steps and watched this small army of men commence to ripping up carpet and digging holes and dismantling shit (no pun intended). And we thought, WSW would not only be able to do handle this by herself, she could probably do it while multitasking, i.e. , while also tanning a fur coat, gutting salmon and mixing up a batch of very dirty martinis. And I thought goddamn, this is one of the reasons I loved and been quasi-in awe of WSW since the day we met. She does stuff.
    Signing off to tend my livestock, Truman S. Capote, 5, and Scout D. Sullivan, 18, the Best Two Dogs in the World. They’re rescue dogs. Technically I rescued them, but mostly, they rescue me.

  2. dustybee

    You are hilarious! Thanks for the long-distance hug!!!

  3. Catey

    O, how I heart me some The Christmas before I got laid off I got all my beloved co-workers sticky notes with a majestic image of the sun rising behind the Great Pyramids — and a caption below; Never underestimate what you can accomplish with an unlimited supply of Slave Labor.

    And another thing; What, exactly is a DRUNK WHISPERER?
    Because when I get drunk I tend to get really noisy. And break shit. And sleep around. Sometimes all at once.

  4. dustybee

    I can communicate with drunks. It’s a gift and it’s a curse. It’s also how one justifies an extensively long and sloppy track record, er, I mean “life.”

  5. Hey there Lupercalia Lovers! I hope you do not mind – I linked to you on my site (above.) Because your Lupercalia description launched my latest post. LET THE SPANKING COMMENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Oh, I can dig that funcky pagan gettin’ down stuff and the chocolate as well. Always say yes to that. But Valentines Day Modern Style is just gay. Rip OFF.

    Attention!!! I’ve tagged you in the Pajama Clad Basement Dwelling Blogger Meme! Check it out!
    Tag, you’re it!

  7. during valentines day, i always give my girlfriend a very warm hug that she enjoys ,;`

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