It’s still February, and with nary a major holiday in sight for weeks, utterly depressing world news, and darkness still winning the battle against daylight for a while, I think there is at least of glimmer of mind-numbing respite underway this weekend. Yes, this is the night of something BIG: the 81st Academy Awards airs Sunday at 4 pm in Alaska/8 pm way back East.
Let me preface this bit by telling you all conspiratorial-like that, prior to last year, for too many reasons to expound on, the WSW had never watched the gay olympics… It’s true! However, last year, while living abroad in Kodiak, I wanted to experience the flavour of the community and thus attended a bona fide Oscar Party with genuine locals. Forget everything you have heard about them wild and crazy Kodiak kids, this was the event of the year!
Our elegant bling-encrusted hostess wore a fabulous non-designer frock while serving up a decadent spread that included hors d’œuvres and aperitifs aplenty. C0nversation throughout the program was witty and stimulating and there was just enough alcohol flowing to give the illusion that I understood what the hell all the technical terms and awards represented. In retrospect, I myself should have been nominated for “Best Clueless Actress at an Awards Party.” Alas, hindsight is, um, hard on my hind eyes.
Point being, I lived through the event and even went so far as to participate in an Oscar Pool this year, despite the fact that I have not seen any of the nominated films. I am, however, seriously considering participating in an Oscar Night Drinking Game which is perfectly acceptable to play whether you are home alone or bellied up at the local watering hole.
In the spirit of the season, I am offering my own scientifically-derived Oscar predictions… based predominantly on prevailing whims and/or winds. No shit.
Best Oscar Madison: Walter Matthau
Best Actor in a Trash Can: Oscar da Grouch
Best Slam-Dunk: Oscar Robertson
Achievement in Lewd & Lascivious Living: Oscar Wilde
Best Dancing Wiener: Oscar Meyer
Best Runner with No Legs: Oscar Pistorius
Best Oscars in a Tank: Astronotus ocellatus
Best Deceased Jazz-man named Oscar: Oscar Peterson
Achievement in Costume Design: Oscar Wiener-mobile
Achievement in Pissing Off PETA by Continuing to Design Fur-Based Fashions
Don’t over-think this… just enjoy. Remember, for most folks the Oscar Awards are just a one-night stand, an escape into fantasy before reality rears its ugly head in the morning!
Oh, and by the way, you’d best be gone by then. Can I call you a cab?