A Toast to the Oscars

It’s still February, and with nary a major holiday in sight for weeks, utterly depressing world news, and darkness still winning the battle against daylight for a while, I think there is at least of glimmer of mind-numbing respite underway this weekend.  Yes, this is the night of something BIG:  the 81st Academy Awards airs Sunday at 4 pm in Alaska/8 pm way back East.

Oscars by the buttloadLet me preface this bit by telling you all conspiratorial-like that, prior to last year, for too many reasons to expound on, the WSW had never watched the gay olympics…  It’s true!  However, last year, while living abroad in Kodiak, I wanted to experience the flavour of the community and thus attended a bona fide Oscar Party with genuine locals.  Forget everything you have heard about them wild and crazy Kodiak kids, this was the event of the year!

Our elegant bling-encrusted hostess wore a fabulous non-designer frock while serving up a decadent spread that included hors d’œuvres and aperitifs aplenty.  C0nversation throughout the program was witty and stimulating and there was just enough alcohol flowing to give the illusion that I understood what the hell all the technical terms and awards represented.  In retrospect, I myself should have been nominated for “Best Clueless Actress at an Awards Party.” Alas, hindsight is, um, hard on my hind eyes.

Point being, I lived through the event and even went so far as to participate in an Oscar Pool this year, despite the fact that I have not seen any of the nominated films.  I am, however, seriously considering participating in an Oscar Night Drinking Game which is perfectly acceptable to play whether you are home alone or bellied up at the local watering hole.

In the spirit of the season, I am offering my own scientifically-derived Oscar predictions… based predominantly on prevailing whims and/or winds.  No shit.

Best Oscar Madison: Walter Matthau

Walter Matthau

Best Actor in a Trash Can: Oscar da Grouch

F*uck the Academy Awards

"E" is for eff the Academy Awards

Best Slam-Dunk: Oscar Robertson

Cincinnati's Hoopster 1958

Cincinnati's Hoopster 1958

Achievement in Lewd & Lascivious Living: Oscar Wilde

Putting the "gay" in Gaelic

Dublin's finest

Best Dancing Wiener: Oscar Meyer

Oh I Wish I Were An Oscar Meyer Wiener

Oh I Wish I Were blah blah blah

Best Runner with No Legs: Oscar Pistorius

Oscar Pistorius, The Blade Runner

The Blade Runner

Best Oscars in a Tank: Astronotus ocellatus

Oscar Sea Kittens

Oscar Sea Kittens

Best Deceased Jazz-man named Oscar: Oscar Peterson

Late Great Jazzman, Oscar Peterson

Achievement in Costume Design: Oscar Wiener-mobile

Oscar Wienermobile

Achievement in Pissing Off PETA by Continuing to Design Fur-Based Fashions

Oscar de la Renta

Oscar de la Renta

Don’t over-think this… just enjoy.  Remember, for most folks the Oscar Awards are just a one-night stand, an escape into fantasy before reality rears its ugly head in the morning!

Oh, and by the way, you’d best be gone by then.  Can I call you a cab?

Gotta get him outta here before my husband gets home!

Gotta get him outta here before the boys get back to town!

*Pictures are courtesy of the following:  Sports Illustrated Vault, The Oscar Spot, Life in the Fast Lane, Tom Marcello, LA Times Blog, and rediff:india abroad.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “A Toast to the Oscars

  1. HAHAHAHA! I AM LAUGHING! ESPECIALLY AT THE GUY WITH NO LEGS!
    I totally tanked this year insofar as prognostifumigating the winners went. But I’ll tell you what – when Sean Penn won over Micky Rourke, a misogynistic asshat who – hello – there’s a REASON YOUR DOGS ARE YOUR ONLY TRUE FRIENDS – I jumped up and did happy dance. And then collapsed under the weight of double cheese pizza and deep fried artichoke dip I’d been downing for the previous 500 hours of Best Sound Design in a FOreign Film Nobody Gives a Shit About awards. And another thing: Michael Shannon was robbed. I JUST KNOW if he’d a won he’d of thanked me in his speech for all my exquisite prose styylings I’ve lavished on him over the course of his career as a chicago actor. And not that Im a crazy stalker dudette or anything, but I had his voice preserved on my Blackberry voicemail for year. Here’s what he said: “Catey you JUST CALLED me. We have an INTERVIEW. PICK UP THE PHONE.” And verily I say unto you, it was a dark day in CHicagoland when I accidentally erased that.

  2. Talking of awards, I nominated your blog for the Lemonade award. Go to borealkraut.blogspot.com to check it out!

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